Movie-going is kind of like my church in that if you try to hang with me and don’t follow the rules I blacklist you forever and burn all of your books in a bonfire. Here are the rules.
1) Any snack is fair game. Popcorn, candy, vegan crepes, I don’t give a shit. Only a nazi would put a restriction on food.
2) Cinematic immersion must be 100% at all times. Pick a seat where your entire field of vision is filled with screen. Sitting at the front is for the criminally insane. Sitting at the back is for babies and the sexually active. Sitting in the middle is too crowded. The front-middle is where it’s at - full immersion, personal space, and no surprise blow-jays taking place next to you.
3) Talking should be minimal. If you’re going to talk, make sure it’s either contextualized within the film’s reality or a private joke we will both enjoy. Make it brief and properly timed. No meta discussion (“this movie is shitty!” or “remember her in Tomb Raider?”) is permitted.
4) No texting. Period. If i see your glowing screen I will lose my shit on you. I don’t care if you’re a nun. I don’t care if you’re my mom. I don’t care if you’re Nic Cage and this text could save the Declaration of Independence once and for all. Put your phone away dicknut! It catches everybody’s eye and breaks my suspension of disbelief, which in turn ruins the movie.
5) No walkouts. If the movie really is unbearably atrocious, treat it like a comedy gift and make more jokes. Once we’re onboard the S.S. MovieTheatre, we are onboard for all 60-120 minutes, be they minutes of glory or minutes of pain. This includes when you walk in and a movie is almost sold out so there are only shitty seats left. No walkouts motherfucker.
6) Stay until the screen goes black. The credits serve a dual movie-going purpose, Firstly, they’re a gentle transition from the reality of the film into the reality of the suburb/multiplex of your choosing. Secondly, they allow you to pay your respects to the million-bajillion hardworking people who kept you entertained for the afternoon/evening. This is the most important rule. If you get up and bolt when the first credit rolls, we will never be bros.
7) Movie-hopping is life’s greatest gift. There is nothing wrong with paying once and watching thrice. It’s a time-honoured tradition held aloft by movie-lovers of all ages and persuasions. Honour it. And don’t be a bitch and tattle.
Crazy? Maybe. Vitally important to me? Yes. Movie-watching rules, bro. Don’t make me defenestrate you.
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